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A CHRISTMAS CARD FROM THE MIDDLEMAN [Nov. 28th, 2011|03:33 pm]
themiddleblog
[Current Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC
8:00 a.m.


“Fudgety-Bow-Wow, Dubbie!”

The Big Green Cheese’s language was extra-salty today, but Wendy Watson couldn’t muster the gumption for a witty rejoinder for two distinct reasons. Reason number one? Two adamantine thoughts currently raging like an electrical storm in her brain:

Thought number one: an intense calculation of the tangled path of clues and conspiracies that had led her to this present, and precarious situation. The winding and dangerous intrigue of the past few days included but was not limited to: a. the kidnapping of a genetically-enhanced, superintelligent dolphin from a children’s waterpark in Dubuque, b. the sudden manifestation in a Bhutanese monastery of the Vitrioplasmoid Consciousness - an alien entity comprised of pure hatred expressed as a small pool of malodorous brown bioluminescent ooze and c. the HEYDAR’s discovery of a not inconsiderably large rift in the fabric of space and time emanating from this location.

Thought number two: a certain yearning for her aunt Margarita’s Ropa Vieja, a thick and vinegary Caribbean stew of meat, peppers, and onions whose preparation inevitably filled the house with a. a delicious and savory aroma and b. the irresistible strains of Miguel Bosé’s signature 1980‘s hit single Amante Bandido.

Thought number two always intruded into Wendy’s mind during moments of extreme danger... and may have been the key contributing factor to her trademark serenity in the face of overwhelming odds.

Reason number two for Wendy Watson’s lack of a witty rejoinder? She was - indeed - experiencing a moment of extreme danger when she heard the voice of her employer: hanging upside-down, her legs magnetically shackled to a shining steel girder over the Coliseum-like lair of yet another egomaniacal-male-chauvinist-pig-supervillain who was probably neither breastfed as a baby nor picked for the football team as a child...

...and beneath her, an army of somewhat comical salt-and-pepper-shaker-shaped robots... all sporting plunger-shaped manipulator arms and lethal gunsticks... all crying out the same word with shrill and excruciating homogeneity:

“EX-TER-MI-NATE! EX-TER-MI-NATE! EXTERMINATE!”


The Middleman and Wendy
in
THE WIBBLY-WOBBLY, TIMEY-WIMEY JIGGERY-POKERY

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Comments:
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From: jadelennox.dreamwidth.org
2011-11-29 04:05 am (UTC)
arooga thump of win.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: jannytruant
2011-11-29 04:16 am (UTC)
Easter Island Face! (happy sobs)
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: cofax7
2011-11-29 04:44 am (UTC)
Arooga-thump!

So fun! This was marvelous.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: miz_hatbox
2011-11-29 05:06 am (UTC)
FanTAStic.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: mollya
2011-11-29 05:09 am (UTC)
Love this so much!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: austin154
2011-11-29 05:26 am (UTC)
I said thanks on twitter, but this makes me so very happy that I have to say it again. Thank you.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: deguspice
2011-11-29 05:43 am (UTC)
Thanks for a great story.

And "Welcome Back!"
(Reply) (Thread)
From: pocketmouse
2011-11-29 05:47 am (UTC)
This pleases me greatly. You may live.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lilacsigil
2011-11-29 05:49 am (UTC)
Sheer brilliance in its complexity!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: Yasmin Mazur
2011-11-29 05:52 am (UTC)

so funny - love it

deus ex machina - hilarious
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: isweedan
2011-11-29 06:26 am (UTC)
:'D THAT. WAS. AMAZING.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: eosratatosk
2011-11-29 06:39 am (UTC)
Great use of the deus ex machina!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tecrogue
2011-11-29 07:24 am (UTC)
I...

This...

Brain..

Things...

Yes...?!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: blienky27
2011-11-29 09:28 am (UTC)
My thoughts...

yes

that
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ffutures
2011-11-29 07:36 am (UTC)
Holy frack - that was awesome!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tngr_spacecadet
2011-11-29 07:37 am (UTC)

Thank you for the Christmas Card

What a lovely surprise :) I've been having Middlewithdrawal.
(Reply) (Thread)
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