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A CHRISTMAS CARD FROM THE MIDDLEMAN [Nov. 28th, 2011|03:33 pm]
themiddleblog
[Current Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC
8:00 a.m.


“Fudgety-Bow-Wow, Dubbie!”

The Big Green Cheese’s language was extra-salty today, but Wendy Watson couldn’t muster the gumption for a witty rejoinder for two distinct reasons. Reason number one? Two adamantine thoughts currently raging like an electrical storm in her brain:

Thought number one: an intense calculation of the tangled path of clues and conspiracies that had led her to this present, and precarious situation. The winding and dangerous intrigue of the past few days included but was not limited to: a. the kidnapping of a genetically-enhanced, superintelligent dolphin from a children’s waterpark in Dubuque, b. the sudden manifestation in a Bhutanese monastery of the Vitrioplasmoid Consciousness - an alien entity comprised of pure hatred expressed as a small pool of malodorous brown bioluminescent ooze and c. the HEYDAR’s discovery of a not inconsiderably large rift in the fabric of space and time emanating from this location.

Thought number two: a certain yearning for her aunt Margarita’s Ropa Vieja, a thick and vinegary Caribbean stew of meat, peppers, and onions whose preparation inevitably filled the house with a. a delicious and savory aroma and b. the irresistible strains of Miguel Bosé’s signature 1980‘s hit single Amante Bandido.

Thought number two always intruded into Wendy’s mind during moments of extreme danger... and may have been the key contributing factor to her trademark serenity in the face of overwhelming odds.

Reason number two for Wendy Watson’s lack of a witty rejoinder? She was - indeed - experiencing a moment of extreme danger when she heard the voice of her employer: hanging upside-down, her legs magnetically shackled to a shining steel girder over the Coliseum-like lair of yet another egomaniacal-male-chauvinist-pig-supervillain who was probably neither breastfed as a baby nor picked for the football team as a child...

...and beneath her, an army of somewhat comical salt-and-pepper-shaker-shaped robots... all sporting plunger-shaped manipulator arms and lethal gunsticks... all crying out the same word with shrill and excruciating homogeneity:

“EX-TER-MI-NATE! EX-TER-MI-NATE! EXTERMINATE!”


The Middleman and Wendy
in
THE WIBBLY-WOBBLY, TIMEY-WIMEY JIGGERY-POKERY

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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: pocketmouse
2011-11-29 05:47 am (UTC)
This pleases me greatly. You may live.
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[User Picture]From: lilacsigil
2011-11-29 05:49 am (UTC)
Sheer brilliance in its complexity!
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[User Picture]From: Yasmin Mazur
2011-11-29 05:52 am (UTC)

so funny - love it

deus ex machina - hilarious
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[User Picture]From: isweedan
2011-11-29 06:26 am (UTC)
:'D THAT. WAS. AMAZING.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: eosratatosk
2011-11-29 06:39 am (UTC)
Great use of the deus ex machina!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tecrogue
2011-11-29 07:24 am (UTC)
I...

This...

Brain..

Things...

Yes...?!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: blienky27
2011-11-29 09:28 am (UTC)
My thoughts...

yes

that
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ffutures
2011-11-29 07:36 am (UTC)
Holy frack - that was awesome!
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[User Picture]From: tngr_spacecadet
2011-11-29 07:37 am (UTC)

Thank you for the Christmas Card

What a lovely surprise :) I've been having Middlewithdrawal.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: Kevin Andrew Murphy
2011-11-29 08:45 am (UTC)

Michael Penn ftw!

This was utterly awesome, but when Wendy quoted Michael Penn's "Seen the Doctor," it reached a new plateau of awesomeness. Bravo, sir!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: voiceofisaac
2011-11-29 11:37 am (UTC)
Most awesome, sir. I was having a bad day yesterday, and this cheered me up immensely. Now if only we had Moffat on speed-dial...
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: reverancepavane
2011-11-29 11:54 am (UTC)
Well done. And if Dr Who can return to our screens...
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[User Picture]From: havocthecat
2011-11-29 02:42 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD. Three paragraphs in and I want to podfic this. (Can I? Pretty please?) Brilliant!

Er, now off to read the rest of it.

Edited at 2011-11-29 02:46 pm (UTC)
(Reply) (Thread)
From: themiddleblog
2011-11-29 08:05 pm (UTC)

i don't know what it means to podfic...

...but uh... have at it!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: selkiechick
2011-11-29 04:52 pm (UTC)
I am dancing with joy! Thank you so very very much!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: Sean O'Connell
2011-11-29 07:33 pm (UTC)

Middleman story

Thanks for that story, I have to say I really miss the Middleman.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: thestormcellar
2011-11-29 07:36 pm (UTC)
SQUEEE!!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: nnwest
2011-11-29 08:11 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Two of my fannish loves--together!--from your pen... er, keyboard. This is brilliance.
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[User Picture]From: ladyjoust
2011-11-29 08:13 pm (UTC)
Words fail me. Squee, however, does not.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this! :D
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[User Picture]From: bearhand
2011-11-29 08:23 pm (UTC)

Ho-de-ho-de-ho

Thank you. Just, thank you, I needed that after trying to re-route my plumbing this morning from city-water back to my well-water. I'm muddy, I need a bath, but this was a welcome break, so, thank you.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: la_tante
2011-11-29 09:11 pm (UTC)
what a marvelous gift you've given us!!! many thanks! and happy holidays to you!
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[User Picture]From: dr_nic
2011-11-29 10:42 pm (UTC)
This. This is why LJ still rocks.
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[User Picture]From: k8cre8
2011-11-29 11:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Javi! Wonderful! A grand present!
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[User Picture]From: bunny_m
2011-11-30 10:15 am (UTC)
This fills me with Happy.

Thank you so very much, for all of The Middleman's awesome adventures, for Dubbie, Lacey, Noser and all, thank you.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: Ken Schaefer
2011-11-30 08:32 pm (UTC)

Absolutely Awesome!

Well done, sir. And I second the motion that this needs to be done as a comic asap.

Thanx!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: unovis
2011-11-30 09:06 pm (UTC)
Strangely, this makes total and complete sense.
Thank you!
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[User Picture]From: _la_mysterieuse
2011-11-30 09:54 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for this! It put a massive grin on my face and was just delightful to read.
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[User Picture]From: dementedsiren
2011-12-01 02:30 am (UTC)
Oh my god, this just rocked my world.

ROCKED MY WORLD.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, ROCKED-WORLD.
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